You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
