ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
