Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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