So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the day after is always just damage control
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
