Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
