What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
