He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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