I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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