people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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