I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
