I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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