KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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