I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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