just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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