Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
