I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
