i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
