I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
