Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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