This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
