i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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