how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
