i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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