I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
