First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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