I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize