I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
