god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
