His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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