In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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