Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
