my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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