I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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