We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
