Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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