Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
