Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
