those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
