Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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