After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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