did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
