we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
