she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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