he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
