Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
