I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
