I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
