just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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