4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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