guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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