I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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