Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Who did Billy Mays play for?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
