i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
