The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
