Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
They took my balls.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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