This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
