Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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