Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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