Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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