So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
