Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
