I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
