I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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