Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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