I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
