They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
