How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
