I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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